|Twilight Princess: The Abridged Series|
02/05/2009 - 12/31/2009
Link, the legendary hero, battles his way through the Nintendo temple system in a world full of people who are either crazy or want to have sex with him (or both). Meanwhile, Ganondorf wants to control the Triforce to cope with his miniscule penis size.
Twilight Princess: The Abridged Series is written, voice acted, and edited by xanauzumaki. It is the first of three completed Legend of Zelda abridged series by xanauzumaki, followed by Ocarana of Time Abridged between January and July of 2010, and Majora's Mask Abridged from November 2011, to August 2013.
The opening for the first 14 episodes was made by TheCyberNinjaX, updated with a new version made by xanauzumaki for episodes 15 & 16. The intro song used in both openings is "Unforgotten Realms Theme" by Nathan Allen Pinard.
Link: The hero of the story. Link is a young man from Ordon Village who always has sex on the mind/ who everyone wants to have sex with. He is often called stupid but, he's able to point out the flaws in the videogame, which there are many. He spent his time in Ordon Village trying to avoid Mayor Bo, who is a child molestor, and fantasized about Princess Zelda naked twice during his quest. He ironically made Zoras Domain nuked trying to save them. He's also oblivious to how the kids of Ordon Village are in reality, but, he kept on saying that they were cute until the end of the series when Talo started beating Link up for not having money he possibly promised Talo.
Princess Zelda: The Princess of Hyrule. She was first seen in her room in a cloak, in the original game she was in disguise, but in the abridged series, she was in a robe after getting out of the shower. After informing Link about his quest, she knew that Link was just fantasizing about her naked under the robe.
Ganondorf: He is the main antagonist in the series. He uses his power to cope with his miniscule penis size. He said his penis was more like a tic-tack when erect after Link asked about his penis size.
Midna: The Princess from the Twilight Realm. She left the Twilight Realm after Zant turned her into an imp, or as Midna decides to call it, vertically challenged demonic looking elf person, because she was embarrased about the way she looked, believing that nobody would follow her (although she was wrong, when a twili said that they don't care how she looked) She gets mad when some one would correct her if she made a mistake, causing Zant's death when he corrected her. She is shown to love her power after killing Zant, like laughing manaically and describing it in a joking way.
Zant: He took over the Twilight realm with Ganon's help. He is shown many times to have multiple personalities. Zant said that Midna holds a grudge against him for eating her dog shaped animal cracker, but in reality it was Midna's actual dog. He has an imaginary butler named Fluffy, who is a magical, flying, fire-breathing, panda. All of his psycological disorders are, A.D.H.D, schizophrenia, dementia, multiple personality disorder, bipolar disorder, anti-social disorder, panic disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, manic-depression, and paranoia personality disorder. He also says he's on medication, even while acting insane.
Epona: Epona is Link's horse. Epona seems to talk but, Epona is a girl horse, but the creator gave Epona a deep masculine voice. Epona apparently wants to be emo, because she got a scratch because Link taught her how to scratch herself.
Ilia: Ilia is a young farm girl who's Link's girlfriend. But, she never pays attention to Link. She dumped Link for Epona having a scratch and over-reacting about it. Later, she forgives Link after believing Epona got the scratch when trying to save Talo (but in actuality, Link was teaching Epona to be emo). After getting her memory erased, Link intended to help, but forgot about her the rest of the series. She's often called names by Link, like "speaking of cows, I wonder what Ilia's up to" or after Ilia said hi to Link he just said, "hi...thing."
Mayor Bo: Mayor Bo is the Ordon Village child molestor. He flirts with Link continuously in the series. But, he proves his usefulness in the series twice. Once by wrestling with Link, to get past the Gorons, although Link didn't need to wrestle and just ask nicely. And informing Link on how to defeat Ganondorf, mainly by knowing about Ganondorf's penis size.
Shad: Shad helped the heroes find the cannon for the City in the Sky. He was enlighted when he found out that his work is over. The only things he had sex with were books.
Colin: One of the many people that wants to have sex with Link. He said that he has a model of Link's head, by collecting hair and dead skin cells from Link. He often fantasizes about having sex with Link. He's also heard in the last episode when Mayor Bo was talking to Link about how to defeat Ganondorf, asking about when Bo was coming back to bed.
Talo: The Ordon Village delinquent. He was first shown yelling at Link for not having money he possibly promised to give Talo. He seems to have a thing for betting, like betting that Colin was dead. He also seems to call people names, for example "you ugly fart-face (Link)" or "you stupid bowl-head (Colin)".
Malo: Malo is a demon worshipper. Even though he's awfully young, he seems to have a love for Satan, and believes that he's the Devil's right-hand man.
Beth: Although she's quite young, she wants to have unprotected sex with Link, and has many fantasies of having intercourse with Link.
Rusl: The father of Colin and the first to speak in the series. He's Link's sword trainer and a warrior in the resistance against Zant.
Feb 5, 2009
|"Today is the first day of links epic adventure."|
Feb 12, 2009
|"In todays episode: Ilia and her freaky hoarse obsession, she steals Epona from there they get knocked out by....green people or something. What Are They!?"|
Feb 20, 2009
|"After getting captured by an evil black creature, Link gets a taste of the prison life...and guess who's his new cell mate. No It's not Mayor Bo, and you're sick for assuming that...but who is it then? "|
Feb 26, 2009
|"In this episode, the plot is revealed...and so are the game's flaws."|
Mar 11, 2009
|Link meets a monkey/scorpion creature, fights an acid-spitting plant, and completes the forest temple|
Mar 26, 2009
|"Link goes to Mayor Bo's house...need I say more?"|
Apr 8, 2009
|"Link's epic, satirical journey continues as he travells into the Goron Mines and meets with the wise and knowledgeable Goron Elders."|
Apr 26, 2009
|"This episode follows Link and Midna on their epic quest as they travel to Lake Hylia to find Ilia and free the Zoras from under the ice."|
May 10, 2009
|Link commits genocide on the entire Zora race with a nuclear explosion, finds Ilia, and goes graverobbing for some Zora armour before heading back to Lake Hylia for the water temple|
May 25, 2009
|"It's the moment you've all been waiting for. The epic return of Zant!"|
Jun 24, 2009
|Link travels across the Gerudo Desert and completes an entire temple within the span of 10 seconds. He then meets the incredibly incompetent Legendary Sages.|
Jul 14, 2009
|"In this episode, Link makes his way through the Snowpeak Temple in search of the first piece of the Mirror of Twilight."|
Aug 6, 2009
|"In this episode, after completing the Temple of Time and collecting the 2nd mirror shard, Link, left with no other options, is forced to help Ilia regain her lost memories."|
Sep 4, 2009
|Link asks around trying to find the Hidden Village|
Oct 14, 2009
|"The temples have been completed, the mirror shards have been collected, and only one obstacle remains between Link and Ganondorf...But what could it be?...Yep, you guessed it...Zant!!! The Dark Lord of the Twilight Realm!!! It's fan service time, everyone. After a month of hard work, writer's block, messages from impatient fans, and a series of breakdowns, it's here!...The final Zant episode!"|
Dec 31, 2009
|"The Twilight Princess BIG Conclusion episode!!!" (split in 4 parts)|
Rusl is talking to Link next to the Ordon Spring with Link. He's explaining how proud and grateful he is of Link for how much he has grown and how much of an influence he has been on his son, Colin. After being thanked, Link asks what he said because he was thinking about boobs, instead of listening. Rusl then says that it was nothing.
Link wakes up and sees the "adorable" kids from across the street, Talo, Malo, and Beth. After leaving his house Link gets yelled at by Talo, who is asking if he had his money, Beth says she wants to have unprotected sex with him, and Malo says he worships Satan. Link shows them some sword techniques. After being motivated by the moves, Talo chases a monkey into the forest, wanting to kill it.
Link chases after the kids on his masculine voiced horse, Epona. Link asks a very strange, high man who sells lanterns. He tells Link that he saw the kids go into the forest, and Link goes into the forest to "save" the kids from the "evil" forest monsters.
After saving Talo, Rusl asks Link to go to Hyrule Castle to deliver something for him because of his sprained ankle (also because he's "too damn lazy"). Link decides to go saying, "it's not like I'm going to end up on some long magical adventure, right?" The episode ends with Link repeatedly asking, "right?" after hearing no response.
Link goes into Ordon Village to get ready to make his delivery to Hyrule Castle. Ilia notices him and asks about how Epona is doing, while her father, Mayor Bo, tells Link that he's always available if something goes wrong with him (Link) and Ilia. Afterwards, ilia notices a scratch on Epona's leg. After yelling at Link, she runs off with Epona.
Link goes to Colin and asks him if he's seen Ilia. Colin leads the way for Link (while Link was behind Colin because he was a little creeped out by him). Colin finds Ilia but, Ilia closes the gate to the area so Link would have to crawl through an insect-infested hole.
After Link gets through the hole (after a minor panic attack from spider laying eggs in his shirt), he finds Colin and Ilia talking. Ilia forgives Link for the scratch on Epona believing the lie that she got the scratch from Link saving Talo (even though it was caused by Link teaching Epona how to be emo).
Some moblins then crash through the gate and knock them out, excluding Colin because he was only pretending to be knocked out. Then they run off with Epona to get some sodas. The episode ends with Link waking up and says, "Oh crap, my epic adventure senses are tingling."
Link wakes up and is curious as to where Colin and Ilia went, but brushes the thought off. But, once he notices Epona is missing, he runs off to find her. He stops at a dark wall and freaks out when a giant hand grabs him pulling him inside. He is met by a Shadow Beast that yells at him for standing outside of his wall. He then throws Link after seeing the Triforce on his hand ("Damn kids today, with their glowin' tattoos!"). Then Link turns into a wolf and gets dragged away by the monster, with Midna looking at a distance (Well, this is certainly interesting.)
After Link gets through his 5 minute breakdown inside of a jail cell, he meets Midna and yells at god for bringing her instead of an angel to send him to heaven (God, I said an angel, not a mutated cat!) After explaining everything to Link, she then starts teasing him about his breakdown earlier when mentioning he licked himself.
After an arguement they then get ready to leave to find Zelda, after being forced to by the writer (xanauzumaki).
After going through some troubles in the castle, Link finally meets Princess Zelda. Zelda explains everything to Link (who wasn't really listening because she was wearing a robe after just getting out of the shower.) Zelda explains the situation to Link through a flash-back sequence introducing Zant, the insane antagonist.
- It is said that Zant is a fan favorite.
- When it would show what Zant is thinking, all you would hear are his multiple personalities talking, until his death where he had a monolague.
- Xanauzumaki was originally going to make Zant seem like one of those french antagonists that would twirl their moustaches, but he decided an insane antagonist would be funnier.