Abridged Series Wiki

(Disclaimer) Simon Keyes: It's only a fan-based parody! Don't get your nuts cracked over it!

Captain: I still disagree with you, Calculus. WiiPlay is even worse than Top Spin!

Calculus: My apologies. I must be too un-high to think right now!

Captain: I'm forgetting, do airports enforce against drugs or sell drugs? Let's look for a drug store...HALT! That man looks sad and depressed!

(Deepening Distrust slowed down as the camera focuses on Laszlo Carreidas)

Tintin: Nah, he probably just lost the lottery or something!

(Intro: Town Dyed Purple)

Eddie: Yo, Tintin! Remember your old drinkin' buddy?

Tintin: Oh, yeah! My pal Eddie!

Eddie: I can sneak you in some free cocaine, and that security guard dog over there won't even notice!

Tintin: Snowy? That's my dog!

Eddie: Even better then!

Airport Staff Member: You are under arrest for drug abuse.

Tintin: That's ridiculous. That cocaine was perfectly in harmony! Not abused parentally or anything!

Eddie: Wanna play Whack-a-moley On Ice? An' chip off the old battle block back in the old days, right Tinnytintin?

Captain: I feel like I don't speak English anymore...

Eddie: I feel like you do!

Tintin: I've got a plane ride in an hour. Wanna come?

Eddie: That sounds fun! We'll jump the gun!

Calculus: But what about his ticket?

Tintin: That's okay, professor. You can just give him yours.

Calculus: But...I spent all this money on it!

Tintin: Finders keepers, losers weepers, even though you found it before him shut up stop annoying me Calculus aaaahh you are ruining my brain stoppity-staw-staw don't annoy me get away from me he is a criminal take his ticket before you go to jail!

(Carreidas's face starts to contort)

(Tintin and the Captain stare forward)

(Carreidas starts grinding his teeth)

(Calculus and Eddie stare forward)

(Carreidas finally breaks into laughter)

Carreidas: Greetings! I am the man who never laughs! Except I am laughing, because tonight I am bowling! Bowling is so fun!

Tintin: Oh, we've got a whole rack of bowling bottles right at this bar! The bottles themselves, that is, of the drinks.

(After a peaceful but dreadful hour of bowling...)

Narrator: And they were off...to the plane of sadness, and depression...just kidding.

Flight Attendant: Young sir, would you like some airplane food?

Tintin: Yes! I would like a prime rib, with mashed potatoes and spinach.

Flight Attendant: ...We do not sell that--

Tintin: And I would like the edges to be lightly fried, but the middle of the steak be a RIB EYE RARE! Anyways, continue.

Flight Attendant: We do not sell that here.

Tintin: What, are you kidding me?! This is third class! And you can't even get me a motherfucking cow shot in the penis?! Nonononono!

Flight Attendant: We do have...McDonalds!

Tintin: Oh, why didn't you say so? That's even better! I want a McRib!

Flight Attendant: We discontinued the McRib.

Tintin: Whaaat? [unintelligible] It was the best thing on the menu, but they sentenced it to deeeaaath!!

(Airplane flies past a ship, revealed to be the Salem Chipotle, and messes up the sails)

Chipotle Worker: You dumped our brown rice! I shall never forgive you! And guacamole!

Copilot: We actually do have the McRib, and I am eating it in secret. Ha ha!

Pilot: You're not very nice.

Tintin: We made it! To wherever the hell we're supposed to be going! ...Aaaahh! It's M. Night Shyamalan!

M. Night: That's right. And you can't see my face yet. Like the Fire Lord, because I'm so accurate to the show! ...But now you can see, because I love you! I am smoking drugs right now!

Allan: Allan and his trusty self are here to save the day again!

(Allan forces Carreidas's hat over the Captain's eyes)

Captain: I can't see! What the fuck am I on?!

Tintin: I'm going to listen to Dumphop with Allan!

Allan: Yay, Dumphop!

Carreidas (singing along): Got enough money to make Donald Trump impressed! Nobody doubts me, because I'm the best!

M. Night: *snort* *snort* Aaaachoo! I sneeze with my bad breath.

Doctor Krollspell: Yo guys, I'm your new drug guy! I like playing with this thing 'cause it's doiley!

Carreidas: Inject me before I squeal!!

M. Night: I'm gonna play Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets for PC! Then I'll make a movie based off of it! But I'm stuck on the Slytherin Common Room! How do you get out? I keep getting caught!

Krollspell: I just use debug mode.

M. Night: That's genius! I can't wait till I make this movie. Wait till Harry and his friends press Delete to heroically teleport out of the Slytherin Common Room! It's so emotionally, tragically beautiful!

Captain: That is a terrible idea! Once again!

(Ad break)

Advertiser: Buy our vacuum cleaner! Now!

(End of ad break)

Tintin: See, guys? Don't you see how good it is to take a lovely walking stroll while listening to jazz? Wasn't it worth me tying you up and taping your mouth? Yes it was! Plus the gun, handcuffs, and all that JAZZ!

Narrator: The volcano...of fate.

Captain: Tintin, are you walking us to a radioactive volcano?

Tintin: Did someone say radio?!

(Jazz Phone Radio: Hangover Blues)

M. Night: No, I cannot take it anymore! I shall resign as a director, and go up walking up to this spaceship. Enjoy my professional-looking legs while you can, Allan.

Mik Kanrokitoff: You can be my buddy, M. Night! I only listen to electronic bobby!

Tintin: Those drugs really hit the spot. We're so drunk...of drugs...the lava's fluorescent! Maybe the Captain used his fluorescent hair dye on it. That must be it. Ahhh, yes, now I remember, this description of his fluorescent hairdo: go fluorescence, go the beauty...go Oscar! Go gay warehouse guy!

Pilot: Yo, Billy! Have you seen my McRib?

Billy: Oh, that? I ate it.

Pilot: You BASTARD!! (On intercom) Stomach Dissection Department, I need your help. Over.

Snowy: Don't you rib-obsessed pilots know a castaway when you see five?!

Tintin: (Singing along) It's a beautiful day! The sun is shining! I feel good! No one's gonna stop me now!

Billy: Aaggghh, should I pause this Assassin's Creed match? Right now, when I need to piss more than fucking ever?! Or should I just get that one kill? I can't decide...

Tintin: OP fag, I don't play that shit! I play Harry Potter on the PC, like a man! The graphics are way better than this black-and-white TV bullcrap! [unintelligible]

Calculus: I should have gotten way more attention this episode, considering it was the first one I even got a chance to EXIST IN!

Snowy: We're pretty much done here, bitch.

(Outro: Monochrome)