Abridged Series Wiki

Airport Staff: Oh, that was the sexiest blowjob ever! Let's do it again!

Captain: I sure love double dating!

Snowy: Well...not my thing.

Captain: Hey guys, why don't you blow us in this car right now?

Airport Staff: Sorry. We are busy touching each other's dicks giving each other handjobs right now! Sorry, we cheated on each other!

Tintin: Fuck you cheaters! The Captain and I are going to handjob each other for payback right in this seat, right, Captain?

Captain: Well actually, Tintin, your haircut's always been a big turn-off for me, and...

Tintin: Oh yeah? Well if you don't, I'll tell everyone your embarrassing secret!

Captain: Ugh, fine, blackmailer...Mr. Penis, get ready to be scarred...

(Intro: The City Sleeps)

Captain: Well, that was the biggest boner kill of my life.

Tintin: Oh no! We're at a homophobic checkpoint!

Guard: Halt! We guards spy, with our naked little eyes, gay people! Why else would naked people be touching each other here?

Captain: Oh, don't mind that! We're not really gay, no. See Tintin there? He's actually a girl...I mean she! (Tintin: No I'm not! I'm a boy!) And she has brain damage! (No I don't!) And...we went to a beach! And we're naked because the bitches were so horny! You know the type, heheh!

Guard: Shuley, do the thing!

(Roadblock raises)

(Another car draws up)

Guard: I sense more faggotry.

Captain: I called you the girlie because you're such a dickhole about my secret!

Tintin: Alright, then I'll tell it now!

Captain: Nooooo...just drive me to work already!

Tintin: Guess what, you guys? The Captain only watches porn in JPEG format! Because his penis can't handle videos!

Boss: Hahaha! You are fired for being such a loser!

Captain: What? Are you serious, boss? Come on, you can't possibly believe that--oh no. I'm horny right now. Oh no! I'm walking to a computer! Even though I don't want to! Must not load JPEGs...in front of everyone... Fine. You got me.

Calculus: Hey Tintin and pussy masturbator. Not literally pussy, of course, because you're both gay.

Tintin: Hey Calculus...McMalculus!

Calculus: Because I just got to steal Captain's job for game testing, I'm testing out the new to-be-released, new Virtual Boy! ...And by the way, it's going to fail. It's complete shit. The helmet's literally so tight, it feels like my dick's being squeezed. I guess the pros are above the cons, according to the boss.

Boss: How's your new job, Mr. I Wish I Could Squeeze My Own Boobies Harder--I mean, Calculus?

Calculus: Pretty good! I already invented a trumpet that's so sensitive that you can talk through your ear in it!

Boss: That's so good that I can already hear the music in my boobies--I mean my head! Booby head!

Calculus: Yes, of course I'll lie to get promoted.

Tintin: You are such a horrible, selfish man!

Calculus: Okay, will no one call out that at least Tintin is a complete hypocrite on that part?!

Captain: I'm not going to, because you stole my job and I'm pissed at you!

Calculus: Ohh, you're a hypocrite even more, Captain! Remember that time you said: "Never leave a Cheeto on the ground, because it is a waste! You better eat it off the floor"? And then you were like, "eugh, I don't want that crap! It's disgusting!" And then you made me pick it up off the floor and then throw it into the dumpster with all the uneaten cupcake bottoms!

Tintin: By the way, that time I was the one who threw away the completely uneaten cupcakes, just to embrace how much I hate them. But they were from Ultimate Perk, which at least deserves the right for me to tell the truth about that.

Captain: Why don't we all just sit down and relax? Besides, I've got some cocaine in my coat pocket! Let's smoke it!

Calculus: Awesome! That makes my fake trumpet want to sing opera!

Captain: No, don't sing your opera!

Calculus: [unintelligible]

Captain: Stop FUCKING singing!

Calculus: Oh, I forgot you need a chance to really get into it, Captain!

Receptionist: Are you kidding me? The boss of the company thought that was so good that he's promoting Calculus to Vice President! And by the way, I am the receptionist at this company, so flirt with me until I explode!

Tintin: Something is wrong with that boss.

Receptionist: I know, right?

Tintin: What sort of company is this, anyways?

Receptionist: It's a reading company.

Tintin: Then how come Calculus was messing with that Virtual Boy?

Receptionist: So you can read about it after we learn to write about it, of course!

Tintin: That boss really is fucked up.

Receptionist: I know, right?

Intercom: Emergency! Emergency! All of our PS Vitas have been stolen!

Worker: Our PS McVitas have been stolen?! Oh no...I better just keep eating my McDonalds to keep it off my mind. You know, stress like my job, like saving the PS Vitas from the robbery...not my prob!

Tintin: Let's go to bed, Snowy. I'm going to dream about a naked bitch stripping in front of me! At least, hopefully. It's the only reason I started taking Ormus.

(The next day)

Receptionist: Now that we are all awake on a bright blue day, I have an assignment for all of you in this room. Even if you don't work here, or were fired.

Calculus: We don't want to do it!

Receptionist: God, this company is downfalling...

Thomson/Thompson: Hello, Tintin, Captain, and Calculus. We are cross-dressing because we have a mission at Anime Boston.

Tintin: You wanna go hiking these mountains? Sure!

Thomson/Thompson: There is no time for that tomfoolery right now, Tintin. We are on a mission!

Tintin: I'm so high up the mountains already, I can not even hear you. I can only barely see you on these binoculars!

Thomson/Thompson: Damn you, you non-courageous boy!

Rocket Mechanic: We are preparing a space shuttle that will launch off into the moon, AND SEDNA! Just kidding. It is fake. We're just making shit out of clay.

Calculus: Want to hear more of my opera, Tintin?

Tintin: Do you realize why I bandaged my ears, Calculus?

Calculus: No!

(Outro: Kimbra - Come As You Are)