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(Disclaimer): The following is a fan-based parody of The Adventures of Tintin. Please support the official release. It's actually a really good series. Seriously. Why the fuck didn't anyody do this before?

Tintin: Look at the new porn book! Can I buy it? ....I take it as a yes! Oh, hey, Thompsons. You finished cooking that cocaine?

Thomson/Thompson: Eventually. We're about halfway done. But we must let you know, we are not really shopping. We are on a mission!

Tintin: Well, when you finish shopping, let me know!

Thomson/Thompson: But we said we are on a mission!

Tintin: Bye!

Thomson/Thompson: Bye, Mr. Non-Missionaire!

(Intro: Bright Crystal)

Tintin: Look at that seaship! ...That's my YouTube password.

Sakharine: Holy shit, that is the legendary ship that I have spent the last 500 years of my life looking for! Please, I will pay anything! Just let me buy that ship!

Tintin: Finders keepers, losers weepers!

Sakharine: Damn you...

Tintin: (I wonder what Martin Luther King's final thought was before he got shot in the eye...)

Tintin: Look how good this ship looks on the table!

(Snowy knocks it down)

Tintin: ...What the fuck, Snowy?! You owe me one finders-keepers suck-it moment!

Captain: Hello, Tintin! That's a nice ship! Anyway, let's go to the tavern! Hooray for cocaaaine!

Barnaby: I like locking things, because it makes me feel safe, and handy...

Captain: Of coincidences, it's the same ship you bought today!

Tintin: I don't know what you're talking about! You must be too high on that coke. I only remember a ship that looked a tad bit like that. It's just...that Snowy...broke it! So it's nothing...like it!! Isn't it, Snowy?!

(Ringtone)

Tintin: That's my phone! ...No, I will not pay my taxes! The Chad system was bullshit; therefore, John Kerry won. And he would not have made me pay you this California bullshit, okay?! ...Geez, some people.

Tintin: Time for my well-earned nightly stroll.

(Standing in the rain...)

Tintin: They said I had no hood...but check here! Ha HA!

Phone User: Aaah! What the fuck?! Bitch!

Tintin: Anyways, time to listen to the Jazz Phone Radio!

(Heat Up)

Tintin: Ahh...time to go home. Just kidding!

(Straight Chaser)

Tintin: Ahh, what fun that was. ...Oh no! I over-called! I mean, over-listened to jazz, and I didn't get home in time, so a burglar got time to come in! No! I'll never do it again! I prooomise!!

(Violet Sky) Tintin: I never said I pinky promised!

Tintin: Oh shit, it happened again! ...Who's knocking on the door?

Thomson/Thompson: Hello, Tintin. We got your Coca-Cola-you-know-what-a! Right in my breast pocket...what?! I lost it! Oh no!

Thomson/Thompson: Me too, even though I didn't even check!

Thomson/Thompson: I hope you forgive us!

Tintin: No, I'm a drug guy! I'll punch you straight out!

(Boing!)

Thomson/Thompson: Oww. That hurt.

Tintin: Anyways, time to find a replacement for something to put on this table, because Snowy fucked it all up! Didn't you, boyyy? No, no, you are banned from that table--oh, look, it's a coupon! ...What the fuck? I can't read any of this shit! Probably expired...

Tintin: I suddenly have a massive craving for Chipotle! I think I'll go there with the Captain right now. Even though my stomach is still a little full...of cocaine.

Landlady: No running!

Tintin: Shut up, you stupid old bitch! ...Knock knock!

Captain: Who's there?

Tintin: Me!

Captain: Oh, then come in.

Tintin: I think I'm going to keep banging on your door because I'm a douchebag.

Landlady: I'm going to join in!

Tintin: Too bad! You can't.

(Boing!)

Landlady: Eeeeee, that hurt! (Runs away) No running!

Captain: I am doing Star Wars Kinect! And it sucks! Come on, Tintin, let's go to Chipotle.

Tintin: Good idea. But man, this place looks different from what I remembered.

Captain: That's because it's the one in Salem, which sucks! I get so paranoid at the idea that they left a fruit sticker in my burrito, so I use a telescope to check for sure. ...Oh, fuck! Pirates came to rob us or something! ...And boy, does my hair grow fast.

Tintin: I told them it was a bad idea back when they were using gold burrito wrapping! Shoot the jalapeno peppers for defense!

Captain: NEVER take me to this Chipotle AGAIN!

Red Rackham: Ha ha! I have trapped you and taken all your jewelry that you were carrying for some reason.

Captain: *gasp* My drugs! ...I mean, my jewels! Yeah, my jewels!

Red Rackham: Now, time to take advantage of thi-this bondage...

Captain: Dude, what kind of weird stutter do you seem to have?

Red Rackham: I just said I was about to rape you, so jus-just shut up!

Captain: (At times like this, I wonder whether I should admit that I'm gay...)

Captain: ...This is booooring...

Captain: Yaaaayyy! ...Fuck! ...Tintin, where the hell are you?!

Tintin: Umm, right here?

Captain: False alarm. I kinda want to switch to shitty Stop & Shop burritos. Time to dance! Oh, by the way, I got those "jewels" back.

Tintin: Yeah, I figured.

Captain: Ahh, I still feel so high--I mean, good. My hat is a pancake! Just saying! Whoa, when did this guy just appear?

Aristides Silk: You yelled at me, saying "medieval sperm octopus", and attacked me!

Tintin: Cool!

Silk: Well, I charge you with assault, so give me your wallet!

Tintin: Okay, fine.

Silk: Oh boy, what a lovely passport!

Banshee: HAAAH! HAAAAH!

Tintin: Oh, shit! A banshee on the street!

Banshee: HUUUUUEEEAAAAUUUHHH!!

Thomson/Thompson: Why, look, it's a dead guy. ...Or, an alive guy. Same thing.

Tintin: Oh hey, you're the person who wanted my ship so badly. I just wanted to say, I'm never going to give it to you, and my dog broke it anyway, so you're never gonna have it!

Sakharine: Daaaaamn yoooouuuuu!!

Tintin: Finders, keepers!

(They all stare with deep disdain)

Tintin: ...I bought it! And not completely with drug money!

Sakharine: This boy is deranged!

Tintin: You're just mad about the ship!

(Later...)

Max Bird: Package for Mr. Tintin!

Tintin: I didn't order anything. (Shuts door)

Max Bird: Uhh...but they're...secret santa gifts, from your fans...

Tintin: Is one of them a 128GB iPhone 6?

Max Bird: ...Yyyes!

Tintin: And what network provider?

Max Bird: Uhh...what's your favorite network provider?

Tintin: First you have to guess!

Max Bird: Uhh...Network...McSchmetwork?

Tintin: Haven't heard of it. Must mean it's new! And new is better!

Max Bird: Ha ha, it was a trick!

Tintin: What?! Mmh, MMMH, UUUUUMMMM!!

(Boing, and boing!)

Tintin: That was close, but sorry, but I have to explain to you something every Abridged Series does. I'm the main fucking character! You can't kill me!

Gustav Bird: We just wanted your cocaine!

Max Bird: I could have got him if you didn't fuck my ass the wrong end last night in bed!

Captain: I could give you better sex than him!

Captain: So me coming out concludes the episode!

Barnaby: I'm still locking my door, because I like locking doors!

(Outro: High Spirits)

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