Abridged Series Wiki

Narrator: So there was this one time, and there was this one place and it was like, really far away. Like, on the moon. And then this stuff happened.

(Shadow Warriors open their eyes as they zoom around space, a race car sound plays)


(The SMA crew make explosion noises)

Corinne: Ow, my leg! (laughs)

Kris: My spleen! Auggh!

Serenity: You're the only one that can save us!

(Luna and Artemis meow as the explosion noises continue into a black screen)

Narrator: And now the fate of the world rests in this one girl's hands.

(Cuts to Serena waking up)

Serena: Ah! I hear loud noises!


(Serena rushes down the stairs as she's late for school)

Serena: Mother! Why didn't you wake me up, you stupid bitch?!

Serena's mom: Hush honey, mommy's looking for porno.

Serena: Gotta go!

(Serena is outside, rushing to school)

Serena: Oh man, I didn't even have time to throw up this morning. I'm so late.

(Serena sees some kids torturing a purple cat)

Kid #1: Hold it still, I wanna feel its tongue!

Kid #2: Stick it in, stick it in!

Kid #3: I'm a furry!

Serena: Oh no, stop doing that.

Kid #2: Oh shit, it's a fat girl!

Kid #3: Run away!

Serena: I'm not fat, I'm big-boned!

(Serena picks up the cat)

Serena: Aww, don't worry kitty, Japan is pro-choice.

The cat meows frantically, as subtitles appear on the bottom of the screen reading: "For the love of God, don't touch the bandage!"

(Serena puts the cat on her lap)

Serena: Hey, what's this?

(Suspenseful music plays as Serena pulls off the bandage, revealing a crescent moon on the cat's forehead)

(More dramatic music plays as the cat opens its eyes, bounces off Serena's head and lands on a red car, staring at Serena)

Serena: (whimpers) Ah! Screw this, I don't want rabies!

(Cheap 90s DIC transistion into Serena eating her lunch in the classroom)

Serena: Oh boy, I haven't eaten in a whole 5 seconds! Well, time for lunch!

(Haruna enters as a three-note trumpet sound plays)

Haruna: Damn it, Serena, you failed again! You know, every time you fail, I lose a dollar of my paycheck and it's really a pain in the ass and futhermore...

(Haruna's speech turns into warbles)

Serena: Uh, what? What did you just say?


Molly: (in Boston accent) Awww, don't worry about the test, Serena. I know how we can make ourselves feel better.

Serena: Throwing up in the bathroom?

Molly: Awww, actually...

Melvin: Hey girls- (gets cut off by Molly)

Molly: Don't care. Anyway, let's go to my mom's jewellery store. She's having a major sale and everything. We can get tons of jewels!

Serena: And pizza?

Molly: Sure, and rubies!

Serena: And pretzels?! What are we standing around here for? Let's go!

Narrator: Meanwhile, at a dusky cave underneath a nuclear power plant...

Beryl: MWAHAHAHA! Now it is time to gather energy for the Negaverse!

(Beryl's crystal ball makes dial-up noises)

Beryl: Curse this foul dial-up, it never works!

Monster: Just hit it a little.

Jadeite: Actually, Your Majesty, now you can get the IO Triple Play! It's the best cable, phone and internet access on the market, and it's 5 times faster than DSL! But wait, there's more!

Beryl: More?

Jadeite: Yes, you can get the entire package for only $29.95 per service! Yes! You heard me, only $29.95!

Beryl: Then get it! But do not fail me, Jadeite or I will shove these nails straight up your-

(Cuts away to the jewellery store)

Molly's mom: Hurry hurry hurry! This is the biggest sale you'll ever witness ladies! Go on and try on all the diamonds you want! Every necklace begins with THE NEGAVERSE!

Jadeite: Very good, Molly's mom. Now we have enough energy to power my Smoothie-tastic machine! Now buy one get one half off!

Molly's mom: As you command. (evil laugh)

Molly: Mama, you're laughing out loud again.

Molly's mom: Oh shit. Oh, it's my wonderful daughter and her fat friend.

Serena: Hey, where the pretzels at?

Molly's mom: Here, take a look at this ring!

Serena: Huh, can I eat it?

Molly's mom: Uh, you can do whatever you want with it after you pay me the 10 bucks.

Serena and Molly: Only ten?!

(Fat lady knocks over Serena and Molly)


(Serena and Molly get back up)

Serena: Sorry, Molly, if I'm not eating I'm leaving.

(Serena walks out the store and sighs)

Serena: There's only one thing I can do to fix this test score. Whoops!

(Serena crumples up the test and throws it towards Darien's head)

Darien: (sarcastically) Hey wow, you did really well on this test.

Serena: Really?

Darien: Yeah, I swear I'm not screwing with ya. Fatass!

Serena: You jerk! Maybe I can burn the paper when I get home. Huh?

(notices a Sailor V poster and stares at it)

Serena: Hmm...

(continues staring)

Serena: Hmmmm....

(keeps on staring at Sailor V)

Serena: Hmmmmmmmm... Man, what a body! I wonder how many times she throws up a day?

(Serena starts crying)

Serena: (crying) I'm so depressed! (sniffles) I know what I'll do! I'm gonna go home, eat my weight in donuts, throw them up and eat them up again!

At home...

Serena's mom: Hello, my wonderful daughter. How'd you do on that test?

Serena: Uhhhh.... Here.

(Serena's mom looks at the test and a laugh track plays)

Serena: Now Mom, I know this looks bad, but if you just give me a second to explain...

(Serena's mom is pissed and throws her out the house, Serena shrieks)

Serena's mom: (in a deep angry voice) GET OUT!

Serena: (crying) Motheeeer! You can't do this to meee! I got nowhere else to goooo!

(cuts to Serena in her bedroom)

Serena: Good thing we had that teleporter installed in the backyard.

(Serena falls asleep and her window opens mysteriously)


(That suspenseful music plays again as Serena wakes up and looks at what appears to be the cat from earlier)

Serena: Awww, it's a kitty! Aww, look how cute it is!

Luna: (in a British accent) Hello, Serena. I've been looking for you.

Serena: And it even has a British accent! This is awesome!

Luna: Ahem. Yes well, my name is Luna. And I've been trying to find you for quite some time.

Serena: (in her mind) Wow, my own talking cat! Hmm, maybe I could sell it on eBay and make millions! Then I can buy all the donuts I want.

Luna: Hello? Are you listening to me?

(awkward silence)

Serena: I'm gonna call you Fluffy!

Luna: (irritated) Oh, for God's sake! Here, just take this!

(Luna creates the Moon Prism Power brooch with her butt)

Serena: Holy shit, you can make gold come out of your butt? This is awesome! I must be the luckiest girl in the world!

Luna: Hey, that locket is to help you transform into Sailor Moon!

(Serena poses in the mirror, the brooch now placed in the middle of her school uniform's red bow)

Luna: Okay, listen and repeat these words. Moon Prism Power!

Serena: Isn't that a little too cheesy?

Luna: Oh bloody hell! Just say it already!

Serena: Alright. Moon Prism Power!

("Barbie Girl" by Aqua plays as Serena transforms into Sailor Moon for the first time)

Moon: Whoa, what the hell was that? That felt really freaky! Wah, I don't wanna do this anymore!

Luna: Crap, we're screwed...

Narrator: Meanwhile, at the jewellery store...

(Molly makes some rather suggestive moans as her "mom" chokes her)

Molly: Mama, not so hard! I don't like this game when you're drunk!

Moon: I'm heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere! Yeah.

Morga: Well, that was strange. Go, my zombies!

(Morga sends out her zombies to attack Sailor Moon as Michael Jackson's "Thriller" plays, one of the zombies hits Sailor Moon)

Moon: Ow. (gasp) I got a scratch on my leg! I don't wanna fight anymore!

Luna: Sailor Moon, you've only been fighting for 5 seconds. Just believe in yourself and you can do it!

Moon: (crying) I want my mommy!

Morga: Oh, just shut up and die!


Morga: Oh God, now what?!

Tuxedo Mask: I'm Tuxedo Mask! With this rose, I do declare... this is a haiku.

Moon: Wow, who are you?

Tuxedo: Just believe in yourself and you can do it.

Moon: Okay.

Luna: Sailor Moon, I told you the same thing 5 seconds ago!

Moon: Yeah, but he said it with a sexy voice. Here we go!

(Sailor Moon takes off her tiara as it flashes and she begins to throw it, only for her to spin around repeatedly)


Luna: Just throw it already!

Moon: Sorry, I dunno how to work this thing! Moon Tiara Magic!

Morga: Ohh, what a whirl...

Moon: Oooh, is that powdered sugar?

Tuxedo: We get it, you're fat!

Jadeite: Noooo, my Smoothie-tastic! Oh shit, I'm gonna get nailed...

(Back at school)

Molly: Oh my God, Serena and I had the weirdest dream last night! There was this new superhero and her name was Sailor Moon and she turned my mom into dust!

Girl #1: I had the same dream!

Girl #2: Like, me too!

Molly: Serena, did you hear what I said?

(pans down to Serena asleep on her desk)

Serena: It wasn't dust, it was powdered sugar! Bleh.

Sailor Says!

Serena: Remember kids! Exercise is hard, but shoving a spoon down your throat is easy. And don't forget to do it after every meal, just like me!

(giggles then starts choking)

Serena: (choking) See ya! Oh God!

(Credits cutscene)

Moon: Hey everybody! Look what I can do!

(her pigtail orbs glow and "Dragostea din tei" by O-Zone plays)