None Piece Episodes

A list of episodes in None Piece by PurpleEyesWTF.

Episode 1 - He's a Rubber B- ...Man

Long summary

The episode opens with two sailors looking into the water and spotting a barrel. From within the barrel Luffy's voice is heard yelling "Let me outta here, you stupid bastards!" The opening theme plays and then we see a random guy talking to Nami about their current setting. Outside, the sailors are trying to haul in the barrel with little success. The lookout in the crow's nest spots a pirate ship on the starboard bow, and the two below (who have successfully lifted the barrel up to the deck) drop the barrel and run away in fright. We see Alvida with her crew behind her, and she tells them to take everything they can and leave no survivors. The barrel with Luffy inside it is rolling down some stairs. Alvida yells at Coby for not fighting and kicks him into a wall. Inside, people are running around, screaming their heads off despite the pirates' efforts to calm them down. Coby is in a storage room and Luffy, from inside the barrel, yells at him to let him out. We see Nami boarding Alvida's ship. Coby is trying to roll the barrel outside, but three pirates stop him. One of them tries to break open the barrel, but Luffy bursts out and accidentally punches the pirate in the face. He decides to kill the witnesses and we hear squelching and fighting sounds as he kills the other two pirates. He then drags Coby with him to another room. Meanwhile, Nami is caught by surprise when one of Alvida's crew opens the door. She kicks him a few times in the balls. Back at the ranch, Luffy starts munching on some apples, declaring "Can't kill on an empty stomach!" He tells Coby that he's Monkey D. Luffy and that his parents hated him. He expresses a distinct lack of interest in what Coby's name is and heads for the door to kill more passengers. Alvida falls through the floorboards at this point. Luffy calls her a fat **** and Alvida attempts to kill them with her spiked mace. Luffy grabs Coby and jumps with him out to the deck through the hole that Alvida made. Luffy proceeds to kill several pirates. When a bunch of them start chasing him at once, he runs away, but grabs onto a mast, continuing to run and letting his arm stretch out. He launches himself back, holding onto the mast, successfully defeating the pirates. Alvida begins clobbering him with her mace (with no success) while Nami sneaks away with a bag full of loot. Luffy explains that everything about him is made of rubber and that his father was a test tube and his mother was a rubber band. Coby calls Luffy "the strangest boy I've ever met" and Luffy informs him that he is in fact 45 years old ("You try gettin' wrinklesh bein' made of rubber!"). Alvida hits him again, causing him to snap and punch her with such force that she flies overboard. The Marines show up and start firing cannonballs. Luffy decides to get out of there before they can catch him. Coby comes with him, and thus the two escape in a rowboat.

Characters in order of appearance

• Nami (first appearance)
• Alvida (first appearance)
• Coby(first appearance)
• Luffy (first appearance)

Opening theme

A shortened version of the "Pirate Rap" (the 4Kids opening for One Piece) was used.

Episode 2 - Johnny Depp Was a Pirate

Long summary

After travelling for 30 days, Luffy thinks he's starting to hear voices (when it's really just Coby talking). He and Coby argue about Zoro for a moment -- Luffy thinks that Coby means Johnny Depp. The boat catches fire and Luffy lets it burn. As the two reach land and walk through town, Coby insists that they shouldn't be going towards the Marine base, but Luffy says that he has to find out who "thish Zhoro character ish." Coby says, in a defeated manner, that he probably should just become a Marine. Luffy decides against using the door and climbs over the wall instead. He yells in delight that they're filming The Hangover 2, and it's just like the first one. He and Coby see Zoro tied up across the yard. Luffy and Coby look to their right to see that Rika has snuck up next to them. Luffy wonders aloud how they didn't notice her before, that she snuck up on them like a . . . Coby completes the sentence with "Ninja?", and Luffy yells at him to never say that word ever. Rika sneaks down and runs across the yard to bring some food to Zoro, but Helmeppo enters with two soldiers, steals the food, throws it to the ground, and starts styling all over his balls to Lady Gaga's "Born This Way". He then gets angry at Zoro and the soldiers for not clapping. He asks that soldier to get rid of Rika. The soldier throws her over the wall and Luffy reaches out and catches her before she hits the ground. Helmeppo and the soldiers strut away fabulously to the song "Everybody Walk the Dinosaur". Luffy sneaks into the yard and tells Zoro that he's gonna get him outta there. He then force-feeds Zoro the smashed-up rice balls in order to mess with Rika. Later, he meets up with Coby and Rika, and Rika explains that Zoro's tied up for punching Helmeppo. When she finishes the story, Luffy says that that was a total waste of time. Helmeppo is seen putting a foot up on a table in a restaurant and asking for the finest dish . . . for him and his two sailors. Luffy runs into the restaurant and punches Helmeppo. After several threats going back and forth, Helmeppo says that he will execute both Luffy and Zoro right away, which leads Luffy to visit Zoro again and let him know that they kinda gotta get outta there right now. Luffy launches himself into the base in order to retrieve Zoro's swords. Helmeppo is shown telling his father that someone hit him, but his father says that he deserved it because he was wearing the purple suit. Luffy seems to be having trouble navigating around the base. Next we see Captain Morgan telling the soldiers, who are erecting his statue, to hurry up. Helmeppo asks why he's not going after the guy that hit him, and Morgan punches Helmeppo. Luffy decides to stretch his arm up to launch himself up to where Morgan and the soldiers are instead of finding the entrance. Morgan and one of the corporals have a back-and-forth, and just as Morgan's about to axe him, Luffy flies up and destroys the statue. He grabs Helmeppo by the neck and runs off with him. Luffy forgets what he's doing and asks Helmeppo where he can find the bomb. A few soldiers come up from behind and start pointing guns at Luffy, who decides to charge at them with Helmeppo in front. Coby, in the yard, begins untying Zoro, but several more soldiers cock guns at them. Luffy drags Helmeppo into the latter's room, sees Dr. Squeaks on the chair, and yells at him to get outta there (he knows what he did). He sees Zoro's swords. Down in the yard, Morgan tells his men to make them Swiss. Luffy jumps down just in time to block the bullets and save Coby and Zoro.

Characters in order of appearance

• Luffy
• Coby
• Zoro (first appearance)
• Dr. Squeaks (first appearance)
• Rika (first appearance)
• Helmeppo (first appearance)
• Captain Morgan (first appearance)

Opening theme

A shortened version of the "Pirate Rap" was used.

Episode 3 - Nami Rhymes with Salami

Long summary

Luffy tells Zoro and Coby not to worry, because he's here to save them. Due to Luffy's speech impediment, Zoro mishears "save" as "shave" and tells Luffy that he likes his hair. The opening theme plays. Morgan begins threatening Luffy, Zoro, and Coby, but Luffy takes out his iPhony and starts watching a video of a baby seal (Mr. Fuzzy Flippers) and ignores the captain. Helmeppo appears and holds a gun to Coby's head, threatening to shoot him if anyone moves, to which Luffy is incredibly indifferent. Someone fires at Luffy, but the bullet bounces off the baby seal, to which Luffy says "You shaved me yet again, baby sheal!" Zoro seems confused, pointing out that Luffy still has all his hair. Luffy looks at Zoro, then at the cross where he was tied up, and back to Zoro, who puts a sword in his mouth, to which he says "Okay." Morgan informs Luffy that his arm is good for two things: Lumberjacking, slicing onions, and executing traitors of the state. Luffy charges at him after exclaiming that "No one shoots at Mr. Fuzzy Flippersh and getsh away with it!" He begins repeatedly socking Morgan in the jaw. Helmeppo threatens to shoot Coby again, but Luffy just punches him, exclaiming "God, that wash unnecessharily violent!" He asks Zoro if he saw that, but Zoro just collapses, to which Luffy says "Yeah, shweet." He turns to see the Marines having a Mexican fiesta. When he asks Coby about a post-battle victory meal, Coby exclaims "Areba!" At the restaurant, Zoro thanks Luffy and Coby for the save, but Luffy says not to thank them, but "those delicioush golden treatsh". A picture of Animal Crackers is shown and Zoro declares them to be the snack food of the gods. He glares at Rika when she says that they can't be that good. Coby spews his juice and shouts "Areba!" again, after which he apologizes. The Marines show up and one explains that apparently, a Mexican fiesta was not the proper response to the death of their captain. Coby attempts to shout "Areba!" again and Luffy punches him. The soldier is about to tell them what they're really supposed to do when he spots the Animal Crackers. He tells them that they can leave as long as they leave the crackers. Luffy and Zoro leave the island, forgetting Coby, who then gets in trouble with the Marines. Luffy begins freaking out upon hearing the narrator's voice, and then asks "Wait, your name is Zolo Zoro?" Zoro explains that his parents hated him. He then calls Luffy "Monkey . . . Dumbfoot . . . Luffy." They have an argument about what Luffy's initial "D" stands for, which ends in Luffy explaining loudly that it stands for "Dee". He then tells Zoro about the time he got his hat, but Zoro interrupts him halfway through and informs him that he just described the plots of Arthur: Field of Dreams and Lethal Weapon 2. Luffy doesn't seem to realize that he did and continues his story. He explains that Shanks had an epiphany and was going to explain something to him, but ends up drinking until his wisdom flowed forth "like a fountain of information that took three daysh to clean". While Luffy is talking, a bird is heard periodically squawking throughout his flashback. Zoro asks how he got the hat, and Luffy recalls that Shanks just put the hat on his head. The bird squawks its loudest squawk yet and Luffy fires himself off of the boat to attack it. He ends up with his head in the bird's beak, at which he proclaims that he experiences true serenity, love, happiness, and peace. Then the bird explodes and Luffy crash-lands on an island, landing right next to Nami, who runs away immediately, leaving Luffy to deal with the three thugs who were chasing her. One punches off Luffy's hat, and he kills all of them, leading Nami to comment that his people skills are terrible. She jumps down from a roof and sprains her leg on the balcony. She asks Luffy if he can see down her shirt, to which he says "No." Nami asks Luffy if he'll do her a favor, and Luffy says "Ash long ash I don't get roped into anything shtupid!" Nami ties him up with a rope and Luffy asks her if they're married now, to which Nami replies "BARK LIKE A DOG!!"

Characters in order of appearance

• Coby
• Zoro
• Luffy
• Captain Morgan
• Helmeppo
• Rika
• Shanks (first appearance)
• Nami

Opening theme

A shortened version of the "Pirate Rap" is used; however, every time the word "****" appears in the song, it is bleeped out.

Episode 4 - Eject All Subplots

Long summary

The episode opens with Nami leading Luffy (tied up) to Buggy and promptly pushing him to the ground, declaring "Best honeymoon ever!" When Luffy begs Buggy to kill him, Nami laughs it off, saying "Pay him no mind . . . unless you wanna die." Luffy holds a gun to his head, yelling "DO IT!" The opening theme plays. Buggy begins introducing himself and his crew, but Luffy interrupts him, telling him to consume his own penis. This gets him locked up in a cage. He attempts to stretch his arm out of the cage to reach some of the food, but is unable to accomplish this and is upset because he has nothing to offer up to the zombie overlords. He demands what the weird space lad (Buggy) wants from him. Buggy is speechless and Nami explains that he thinks that clowns are from space. Luffy confirms this by saying "Clowns are from space." Buggy is shocked that he knows this fact and Luffy seems shocked as well. Zoro shows up at last. Luffy asks him where he's been and Zoro explains that he was getting a sandwich, which he proudly displays. Buggy seems confused by his sudden appearance. Buggy talks to himself, saying that he's going to fire the head of security; Zoro informs everyone that his sandwich has four kinds of cheeses and six kinds of meat. Luffy declares that it is some fine cuisine. Buggy tries to get them to stop talking about the sandwich, but Zoro immediately cuts him into pieces. Just as he declares "There was just no reasoning with him", he is stabbed through the leg by a dagger. Buggy reveals his powers (the ability to put himself back together) and is trying to intimidate them when Zoro begins screaming and insulting Buggy, calling him an asshole for stabbing his leg. Buggy points out that Zoro cut him into pieces and Zoro explains that he was kidding. He points a cannon towards Buggy and his crew and blows them up in a nuclear explosion. Zoro is seen dragging Luffy along; at the end, he falls onto his knees and screams that he blew up his sandwich. Luffy tells him that they can eat the dog instead. Luffy and the dog have a brief argument before the dog blasts off into space to attack the Star Trek crew. Nami shows up and is glad to see they're alive. Upon seeing her, Luffy holds a gun to his head again and Zoro falls over. Nami tells them that Buggy and his crew are alive; she then gives them the key to the cage. Zoro gets upset and complains that he dragged Luffy two miles when Nami had the key the whole time. Luffy looks up and sees a man riding a lion, which prompts him to make a Narnia reference. Zoro asks the guy "What the heck is your story!?" The man explains that he has a spastic colon and proceeds to tell his backstory while Nami slowly backs away. At the end of his story (where he "unloads everything"), Luffy simply says "Holy ****". The lion yells "DON'TEVERSAYTHATWORD!", breaks the cage, and slaps Luffy into a house, which doesn't hurt Luffy at all. Nami shows up with an old guy who starts to ramble nonsense. Luffy knocks him out. He goes and kills the lion, and then gets upset that he did so. He then kills the lion man in another nuclear explosion. Zoro laughs and a sign indicates that he's lost 2.4 pints of blood. Buggy shows up and Luffy tells him that his first mate is dead. Buggy explains that that was the cabin boy. Buggy's real first mate shows up on a unicycle and proceeds to attack Luffy, but Zoro blocks the strike and the two begin fighting. The unicycle man blows fire in Zoro's eyes and then tries to attack him with spinning tops, which bounce harmlessly off of Zoro's face. Zoro declares that he wants to make sweet sugary love to Aunt Jemima and cuts down unicycle man, who gets up almost immediately afterwards and stabs Zoro through the leg. Zoro's blood loss goes up to 4.8 pints. Nami shoots unicycle man. Buggy tries to ask her what she's doing, but his head is shot off by Luffy. Luffy and Nami high-five each other. The townspeople show up and seem to be pissed. Zoro says that he hates this town and Nami reveals that she robbed everyone. Luffy, Zoro, and Nami run away and escape on two rowboats. The episode concludes with Luffy informing the townsfolk that they all suck. Later, Luffy and Zoro have a facial hair war, which Zoro ultimately wins.

Characters in order of appearance

• Nami
• Luffy
• Buggy (first appearance)
• Zoro
• Mohji (lion man, first appearance)
• Cabaji (unicycle man, first appearance)

Opening theme

A shortened version of the "Pirate Rap" is used; this version is sped up and a clip of someone sleeping is shown every time the word "dreaming" appears, except for the last "dreaming", where a clip of someone strangling a man is shown.

Episode 5 - Island of Misfits Part 1

Long summary

Luffy, Zoro, and Nami have been sailing around in circles for a while when Zoro spots some land. They decide to land on that land and proceed to do so. Zoro and Luffy get excited about the island while Nami declares that they need some orientation in their sailing. Luffy tells her that she's the one in charge of getting them places because they gave her the map; Nami says that it isn't a map, but a nude pic of Tara Strong, at which Luffy demands that she hand it over. Zoro announces that he senses someone and we see Usopp standing at the top of the cliff, where he introduces himself.

[At this point a dog begins barking in the background of the recording. Purpleeyes is heard shouting at the dog, trying to make it stop barking. Eventually the dog stops and Purpleeyes goes back to the recording, only to realize that he's forgotten where he was. He decides to start over on the episode.]

Usopp is seen running through the village, warning everyone to run and hide since the "Ass-Tickler" has returned. A man comes out and tells Usopp to shut up. Usopp asks if the man's being mean to him because he's British while the camera zooms in on his long nose. Another man comes outside and asks what's happening; the first man says that Usopp's tickling people's butts again. Usopp pleads his innocence. The first man tells Usopp that his wife is pregnant and his eldest son just ate a bar of soap, ending by saying "You can't clean soap with a broom!" A third man comes outside and suggests lynching Usopp, who asks them to hold on a moment, after which he declares that he tickles their butts while they're sleeping and then proceeds to run. The second man asks if they should run after him, but the third man says that they'll send in the children instead. The first man asks why he's the one calling the shots, and the third man says that it's because his son doesn't eat soap in his spare time, after which the two begin cursing at each other. We then see Usopp resting up in a tree; he is disturbed by the third man's (Barry's) son, accompanied by two other boys. They ask if Usopp wants to play with them; he refuses, and Barry's son asks if he wants to see his sword. Usopp decides out loud to run as far away from them as possible and proceeds to do that. Meanwhile, Luffy & co. land at the island. Zoro declares that they're here and Luffy responds to it by doing a sarcastic dance (Zoro seems to be under the impression that sarcasm is a smell). Usopp appears and announces himself, but Luffy interrupts him with "HOLY ****! . . . I like this island." Usopp tries to continue his introduction, but Luffy interrupts again with "Nobody cares! Ha-ha-ha, got him! Am I right, Zoro?" Zoro seems confused and tells Luffy that he hasn't been listening for days; he then starts to aggressively demand pancakes. Usopp offers to take them out to eat and Luffy reluctantly agrees. The gang goes to Jack's Flap and Zoro is seen talking seductively to the syrup for his pancakes. Usopp says that Zoro's passion for food reminds him a lot of his dad. Luffy cues the flashback and we see Yasopp, Usopp's father, at first refusing to shoot a talking apple but then doing so after the apple insults his mother. Luffy realizes that he probably knew Usopp's father, but refuses to give Usopp details since he's terrible at recollecting his past. Usopp suddenly announces while holding a Pokédex that his girlfriend just tweeted him. Nami seems surprised that he has a girlfriend. Usopp says that he has to go and runs out of the restaurant. Zoro wonders what that was all about and Luffy doesn't seem to care since they got a free meal; however, Nami realizes that he didn't leave any money. The three children from before are shown peeking into the restaurant from outside and deciding to ally against Usopp with Luffy, Zoro, and Nami.

Characters in order of appearance

• Nami
• Luffy
• Zoro
• Usopp (first appearance)
• Village men (first appearance)
• Village children (first appearance)

Opening theme

A shortened version of the "Pirate Rap" is used; at first it is slowed down, but Luffy interrupts and declares that they're not doing that.

Episode 6 - Island of Misfits Part 2

Long summary

The three village children burst into the restaurant and demand that Luffy, Zoro, and Nami join them. Luffy asks who they are and Zoro informs him that they're known as children. Luffy thanks him and Zoro asks Nami why they're here. She thinks he's making a sexual joke, but he doesn't seem to be familiar with female genitalia. One of the children seems to regret their decision, but Luffy declares that it's too late. After the opening theme, we see the children leading the three pirates to the mansion of Usopp's girlfriend. Zoro seems surprised that she has so much money. Nami asks the kids if they're sure that Usopp is there, but they reply that they're not sure, since the education system on the island is poor. One comments that it's amazing he can tie his own shoes, let alone read a compass. Another says that everyone seems to listen to them because they talk like assholes. Luffy, climbing a fence, tells the others that he found a way in and orders them to touch his body. Everyone does so; he stretches himself back and launches them over the fence. We see Usopp sitting in a tree, talking to his girlfriend, Kaya. He seems to be telling her a story, which ends with him saying "And it turns out they were human bones!" and laughing while Kaya smiles. The others crash-land next to the tree. Zoro complains that all of his organs are bleeding, but Luffy is not sympathetic. Usopp notices Kaya leaning out the window and begins to comment on her weight. Kaya protests that she threw most of her food up and Usopp declares that excuses are the devil's food. Zoro calls Usopp gay and one of the children corrects him, saying that the term is "effeminate". Zoro calls the child a ****, and the child informs Zoro that he has slept with most of the women on the island. Luffy retorts by calling him a "hetero-****". Nami wonders in her head why she's on this crew; Luffy declares that he has a rubber penis and Nami sighs with understanding in her head. Luffy continues by saying that he doesn't care about any of this; at this point, Kuro approaches the group and asks them if they know what he cares about. After a moment, Luffy asks if he's evil. We cut away to Kuro and Jango on the beach, where Kuro is desperately telling Jango that they're onto them. Jango tells him to calm down, since their plan will not go unhindered. Because Jango pauses for a long time between "go" and "unhindered", Kuro seems concerned and asks if he needs anything. Kuro asks Jango to remind him what the plan is, but Jango can't remember all of the details. He admits that he wasn't really paying attention and suggests that they kill Kaya and take her property. Kuro starts complaining about having to have been a butler for three years; Jango tries to dismiss it, but Kuro explains that the only company he'd had outside of Jango's contact are a weird annoying girl and a lamb-man. He is very frustrated that he and the lamb-man have nothing in common, so he has nothing to talk about with him, such as the fact that Kuro can't sell his wool in the market because his dad didn't **** a sheep. We see Luffy and Usopp eavesdropping on the pirates' conversation at the top of the cliff. Luffy seems surprised that someone ****ed a sheep, but Usopp seems more concerned that the two are cold-blooded pirates. He tells Luffy that they need to warn everyone, so Luffy stands up and yells down at the two that they're pirates. Usopp is angry and confused that Luffy would tell their enemies that they were listening, but Luffy reminds him that he said to warn everyone. Jango tells Kuro that they need to move up the date of the attack, so he'll gather the men and they'll strike at dawn. There is another long pause, this time between "strike" and "at dawn", and Kuro seems concerned that it could be a tumor. He changes the time to dawn:30 so that he can take care of something. Early the next morning, we see the lamb-man (Merry) cleaning a chandelier. Kuro tries to get past him, but Merry stops him and suggests eating some hay or taking a nap in the field to calm down. Kuro snaps and attacks Merry with long, cat claw-like swords. After this scene, we cut away to Luffy, Zoro, and Nami on the beach. Luffy tells the team to assemble; Zoro points out that they've been there for forty minutes and Luffy tells him to assemble better. Zoro says that he doesn't know how and Luffy snaps "Don't be a wise-guy, Zoro." Nami jokes that he's not in danger of that, and Zoro yells "Hey, **** you too, Nami!" [A pun on "too, Nami" and the company name "Toonami"]. Zoro asks Luffy why they're helping Usopp and Luffy tells Zoro that he wants Usopp to be a part of the crew because he's an excellent tactician and manipulator, and when Zoro points out that they're sailing around aimlessly, Luffy reveals that he wants to find the None Piece, a legendary place said to contain true happiness. Zoro seems confused and says that everyone already knows where the strip club is, repeating this when Nami says that Luffy means real happiness. Usopp shows up and Luffy asks him if he warned the village. Usopp realizes that he forgot to do that and Luffy yells in frustration.

Characters in order of appearance

• Village children
• Luffy
• Zoro
• Nami
• Usopp
• Kaya (first appearance)
• Kuro (first appearance)
• Jango (first appearance)
• Merry (first appearance)

Opening theme

A shortened version of the "Pirate Rap" is used; this time, instead of them saying "Zoro" and "Nami" for those characters, they say "Luffy" for both, but then say "Zoro" when Usopp comes on the screen, at which point the narrator complains "Aw, come on," and cuts away to the episode.

Episode 7 - Island of Misfits Finale

Long summary

Zoro runs across the screen yelling. Usopp asks what's happening and Luffy explains that Zoro is drinking beer. Usopp seems confused, saying that he thought they were going to fight pirates, and Luffy tells him that Zoro is getting ready in his own way. Zoro spills his beer all over himself and, despite his pleas, Nami lights a match and sets him on fire. As he runs up the path, Luffy declares "There goesh a champion." He comments that the pirates should have shown up by now and Usopp realizes that they're probably at the other port. Luffy runs off and Usopp follows him. Nami asks herself how this could get stupider than it already is, at which point we see Zoro approaching the village children (on fire) and asking them if they want to be on fire. We then see Luffy arguing with a rock; he eventually attacks it, but is sucked into a hole in the space-time continuum and launched into the Soul Whatever universe, where Kid is arguing with Jeremiah Gottwald of Code Ment. Back at the plot, Usopp reaches the top of the path; the pirates are waiting at the bottom. Nami shows up and asks where Luffy and Zoro are. Jango, who is leading the pirates, asks them to get out of the way. Usopp tries to stall them by making a speech, but he ends up pooping his pants at the end. Nami asks him what plan B is; Usopp tells her that his nose is six inches long, he's wearing a hairnet, and he just **** himself, does she really think he has a plan B? Jango asks them to get out of the way again; Usopp tells them that if they're going to attack the villagers, they'll do it on his grave. Jango seems confused and Usopp reveals that he and Luffy overheard him and Kuro talking about their plans. Jango explains that they're here to attack the cat problem; that is, they're here to spay and/or neuter all of the cats, since it's good for them. Usopp is confused now and asks why Kuro was Ms. Kaya's butler for three years. We see Merry, injured, being discovered by Kaya. Merry explains that Kuro went Freddy Krueger on his balls, ending with a loud lamb bleat. Usopp realizes that Kuro was after Ms. Kaya's property, and a caption appears explaining that "property" here means the goat butler's ball-sack. Jango asks for them to move for the third time, but Zoro shows up at last (having extinguished himself), leading Jango to mutter "Great, they're multiplying." Usopp tells Zoro that the pirates are only here to spay cats. Zoro seems to be disturbed by this, so Jango explains again that it's good for them. Usopp suggests in an undertone that they should still protect the villagers, in case they're lying. Zoro says that he already took care of that; we see the village people on fire and Zoro explains that you can't get touched if you're on fire. Jango declares that he can't take it and sets two overgrown cats, Mr. Whiskers and Mr. Tinkles, on them. Zoro defends himself with two swords and asks Nami and Usopp for backup, but becomes angry when he realizes that they're watching cat videos on YouTube. He continues to defend himself and demands to know where the **** Luffy is. We see Luffy, now in the Code Ment universe, preparing to shoot Lelouch. Just before he pulls the trigger, he is transported back to the None Piece universe, where he accidentally shoots Zoro in the back. Zoro is very upset, but Luffy shrugs it off with a "My bad, bro!" Jango says that he can't take this absurdity and Luffy yells "Shut up, you bloodthirshty piratesh!" Zoro explains that they're only there to spay cats, and Luffy is even more upset at this, exclaiming that those barbarians go around ripping off cat penis. Jango tries to tell him that that's neutering and that's not how it works; one of his subordinates thinks to himself that that's basically how it works. Luffy tells the pirates to prepare themselves for a visually ironic death. He charges at them; many turn and run, only to fall in the process. Luffy runs right past Jango and seizes the ship's figurehead, tearing it off of the boat and crushing the pirates with it. Jango comments that that's impressive. Kuro shows up and, seeing the carnage, demands to know who did this. Luffy proudly says that it was him and Kuro asks what's wrong with him. Luffy explains that every night he has a recurring dream where he opens up a Cracker Jack box and the kid on the front is the prize inside, and he wakes up in a cold sweat until he pisses himself back to sleep. He kills Kuro by slamming him into the side of the cliff and demands that Usopp get them a ship. Usopp gets them a ship and the four pirates depart.

Characters in order of appearance

• Zoro
• Usopp
• Luffy
• Nami
• Jeremiah Gottwald (Code Ment)
• Death the Kid (Soul Whatever)
• Jango
• Merry
• Kaya
• Lelouch di Britannia (Code Ment)
• Kuro

Opening theme

A shortened version of the "Pirate Rap" is used; in this version, the song "Chicago" by Sufjan Stevens is played -- the animation is transparent, being played over scenes of Zoro on fire, and it is slowed down in some places.

Episode 5 - 7 (One Version)

This was the original None Piece episode 5, and features a crossover with Code Ment and Soul Whatever. Later, purpleeyes released the most recent version of episode 5, and eventually retitled this one with the current title.

Long summary

Luffy, Zoro, and Nami are sailing around. Luffy sends an apple to hell by eating it and hits Zoro's head with one when the latter asks for an apple. Nami asks where they're supposed to be going and Zoro tells her to let nature do its thing. We see two birds talking about doing drugs and Zoro yells "**** nature in its ****!" The opening theme plays. In the Soul Whatever universe, Death the Kid is facing off against who he believes to be the lead terrorist when he gets a video call from Zoro, who tells him that there's a party and he's invited. Lelouch appears in the call with a time-bomb now to tell Kid that he's sending some guys to the death dimension. Kid gets angry and threatens to kill Lelouch, who dares Kid to do it and says that he (Lelouch) is crazy. He declares that the transmission is over and breaks the screen. A caption saying "Two hours earlier" appears; Luffy & co. land at the island and Zoro says that he senses a presence. Usopp is shown at the top of the cliff and introduces himself. Zoro can't hear what he's saying and Luffy says that Usopp is telling them to go **** themselves. Zoro curses at Usopp, who asks him why he's being a jerk. Zoro thinks that Usopp thinks his name is Kirk, and Luffy tells Usopp that Zoro's name isn't Kirk. Usopp repeats what he said and Zoro realizes that his name is Kirk. Luffy asks "Kirk" to come down; Usopp falls down the cliff and a red gelatinous liquid starts leaking from his forehead. The same thing happens to Zoro and Luffy (Luffy's is purple). A caption declares that the previous joke was not found funny and that the writers will pay for their crimes, subsequently showing the punishment. The four go to a restaurant. Usopp is surrounded by empty beer mugs and asks for another pint; Luffy tells him that he's had enough and demands to know what the problem is. He throws an apple at Zoro again, but this time a helmet appears around his head, so the apple bounces off. Usopp decides to tell them what the problem is and shows them a photo of Kaya. Luffy seems alarmed that the tiny woman is trapped in a square and Zoro exclaims that he'd suck a fart out of her ****, to which Luffy eventually responds that he wouldn't. Nami agrees with Zoro, saying that Kaya is very phonetically pleasing. Usopp asks if she means "aesthetically", but Nami repeats what she said. Usopp becomes angry and declares that they have baby squirrel penis problems and he has elephant **** worries, since the love of his life is in pain because pillows killed her parents. We see Kaya at her mansion, whispering to a pillow "I hope your entire family gets molested." Merry, the goat-butler, comes in and wishes her a happy birthday before announcing that her guests are downstairs. Kaya screams when she sees him and he gets upset because she reacts that way every time. She seems confused and doesn't remember that he had been there before. Merry declares that his grandfather was a proud goat-man, his father was a proud goat-man, and there is nothing she can say to hurt his goat-man feelings. Kaya comments that it's like the Discovery Channel and Merry bleats loudly in anger before slamming the door shut. Usopp, outside, tries to get her attention, but she slams the window shut when she sees him. Luffy says that they're probably not getting into the party now, but Usopp corrects him, saying that security's not that bad. We see two soldiers from Code Ment arguing over a cheese platter. At the party, Lelouch is acting as the DJ and puts on a record with the song "Rock Solid" by Beanland. Suzaku decides that the song isn't right and changes it to "Feel It" by Ferry Corsten, making Lelouch very angry. Outside, Luffy has decided to launch himself inside with a rocket instead of trying the front door. Zoro lights the rocket and Luffy is shot into space, but Dr. Squeaks flies by and cuts the ropes tying Luffy to the rocket. Inside, Lelouch and C.C. are talking about sandwiches when Luffy falls in. Lelouch is pleased to see him and seems surprised that he got in. Luffy explains that he snuck in through the roof. Zoro falls in at this point and starts to scream about the pain. Lelouch scolds him, saying that Luffy isn't complaining, and Zoro tries to retort but is distracted by C.C.'s beauty. Lelouch wonders what's wrong with him, but Luffy doesn't care and decides to party. Later, the teams of Suzaku & Luffy and Lelouch & Zoro are playing beer pong; Luffy's team has ten cups while Zoro's team has one. Lelouch complains, after missing the target again, that the game is stupid, but refuses to quit playing. His next shot jumps from Luffy's cup to his and catches fire. Luffy, wearing a scouter, declares that Lelouch's Suck Level is 1,006. Everyone begins yelling and C.C. shows up, commenting that they're all idiots. She asks them what would be great right now and everyone starts arguing about variations of eating licorice, punching a swing set, and riding a hover board. Eventually they decide that the hover board is made of licorice, they can punch it if they want to, but only if it's near a swing set. Everyone agrees with this and Zoro asks if the swing set can hover. C.C. points out that they wouldn't know where to get a hover board and Lelouch responds by holding up his ticking time-bomb. We see Death the Kid heading towards the party, planning to stop at the patent office because he's going to invent a whole new kind of pain. He approaches C.C. and asks "Where are they?" C.C. assumes that he means one of their shared associates and tells him that Nami, Colin, and Usopp are upstairs. Kid says that he doesn't care about Usopp and C.C. corrects herself, saying that "they" are downstairs, adding "Aim for his forehead." Upstairs, Usopp and Colin are complaining that they don't understand women. Nami suggests that he go to Kaya and tell her how he feels. Usopp is very happy and runs off to do that; Colin realizes that he's going to be rejected. Downstairs, Kid asks Suzaku where Lelouch is, but Suzaku only knows that he's somewhere outside. We see a helicopter hovering outside the mansion and Luffy and Lelouch are inside; Lelouch is explaining that he doesn't know how to fly a helicopter and they only got up there by pressing random buttons. A red light goes off and Lelouch says that he's got it under control right before the helicopter crashes and burns into the side of the mansion. We see Usopp talking to Kaya outside her room, asking why she doesn't like him. She explains that he looks like a racist version of DePedo's bastard child and that his friends crashed a helicopter into her house. Usopp protests that it was just the one helicopter; Zoro and Suzaku are seen in another helicopter that also crashes and burns into the side of the mansion. Kuro shows up and informs Kaya that if she is deemed unfit to take care of the estate, his banks will foreclose her property. She tells him to **** off and he agrees in his head, thinking that he'll return with one of the most dangerous men alive. Usopp tells him to **** off and Kuro says that he heard him the first time. Later, Kuro is seen talking to Jango on the beach, explaining that they'll lure away Kaya, kill her, and take her property. Jango argues, saying that his plan of having fifty goats destroy Kaya's lawn is better. Kuro refuses to go along with it. Usopp is now talking to Lelouch outside, saying that Kaya doesn't see the real him, but Lelouch doesn't seem to care and asks him if he's seen Luffy or the charred remains of a helicopter anywhere. Kid shows up and Lelouch runs away. A complicated-looking math equation briefly appears. Inside, Nami is telling Kaya about the time that she swallowed a bottle of blush to cover up her organs. Kaya seems confused and says that it's a creative way to feel pretty on the inside. Colin points out that Jango, at the bar, has been eyeing the three all this time. Nami tells her that he's a government-sanctioned maniac, but this seems to attract Collin. The complicated-looking math equation briefly appears again. Usopp asks Zoro where Kaya is and Zoro casually says that she just got kidnapped. Usopp declares that they've got to save her and Zoro reluctantly agrees. Jango is seen with Kaya in the woods, about to kill her, and Zoro charges at him with his sword drawn. Kid appears, tells them to quit ****ing around, and tells Jango to get out of there, to which the man complies and Kid calls him an ****-clown. Luffy is seen standing outside of the burning helicopter and Kuro approaches him, saying that when he saw smoke he thought it was the burning flesh of his enemies. He appears to be about to kill Luffy, but the rubber man slams him into the side of the cliff, killing him. The next day, Luffy, Zoro, and Nami are in the restaurant, Luffy asking what happened last night. Zoro explains that he ran around naked, claiming that they were living in a plutocracy. Luffy explains that he hates pants and remembers nothing after the helicopter crash. Kaya shows up and offers to pay them to take Usopp off the island. She gives them a ship, but before they leave, Zoro realizes that they forgot something and the time-bomb explodes, blowing up Kaya's mansion. She orders them to get off her island and the four sail away.

Characters in order of appearance

• Luffy
• Zoro
• Nami
• Death the Kid (Soul Whatever)
• Lelouch di Britannia (Code Ment)
• Usopp
• Kaya
• Merry
• Suzaku (Code Ment)
• C.C. (Code Ment)
• Colin (Code Ment)
• Kuro
• Jango

Opening theme

A shortened version of the "Pirate Rap" is used. It is set to "Sick Bubblegum" by Skrillex; the animation is remixed and several visual effects are added, such as negative colors or dark tints.

Episode 8 - Call of Unity's Fifa 2111

Note: There is a link to the unlisted version of this episode in the public one. The unlisted version has a title and a few minor edits.

Long summary

The episode opens with Luffy introducing his new pirate flag to the crew of a horse doing Zumba. Zoro asks why it has an erection and Luffy declares that it's for glory. The opening theme of Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon plays. The crew is seen looking at the new version of their flag, a jolly roger with a straw hat. Zoro says it's better because it doesn't have horse **** all over it. Luffy explains that he only added extra ones for irony since Zoro was so drawn to that detail. Zoro points out that something like that shouldn't take up 35% of the flag and that Luffy put horse **** on everything after huffing paint thinner (at which point the camera shows horse **** all over the ship). The group braves a sudden storm and lands at an island. After Zoro comments that Usopp's better at exposition than the narrator, the narrator angrily says that Zoro fell into a coma because he's an overly critical ass. Zoro falls asleep on the forest floor. The narrator describes the Strawhats discovering the bizarre animals on the island and what kind of cross-breeding led to such creations, and then demands if Zoro is happy now. A mysterious figure in the bushes shoots Luffy, but Luffy bounces the bullet back and the figure runs away. Usopp points out where he went and Luffy runs in the direction with a cry of, "**** you Usopp!" Nami picks up the gun and tells Usopp that they should go wake up Zoro. Luffy ends up on a cliff's edge and lures out the figure by starting a discussion about modern media. Usopp asks why the bush is talking (as the figure appears to be a bright green bush in a box) and the figure starts swearing repeatedly and tries to run, only to be stopped by a tree in its way. They find out that the figure is an ugly little man in a box and Nami tries and fails to cover up his face. Usopp asks if they've met before and the bush-person says that he probably just looks like someone else. Luffy points out that no one is going to mistake him for anyone else and later patiently explains that if that came off as a little cross, it's because he didn't expect today to be started off with getting shot by a goddamn Chia pet. The man apologizes and explains that he was in the middle of a scene when Luffy and his crew came walking into the background of the shot. Luffy immediately forgives him. Usopp pours some hot tea from a thermos and casually drinks it. Zoro approaches them, asks who shot him, takes Usopp's tea, and spots the ugly stranger. He asks, "Is that Man in a Box?" (Misheard by the others as "Is that man in a box?") Nami sarcastically comments on Zoro's observation skills and Zoro explains that the person is the star and director of the movie Man in a Box. Man-in-a-Box confesses and seems confused since he thought that they were the replacement crew and they would have had a debriefing on the way. Luffy decides that they'll be his replacement crew and accepts the job even after being told that the pay is horrible. Man-in-a-Box brings them up-to-speed and gives them their tasks: Luffy is the costar, Zoro works the camera, Usopp's the editor, and Nami's the love interest. Later, Luffy points out that the script is horrible and looks like it was written by a 4th-grader. Man-in-a-Box says that it was written by a 4th-grader and explains that they blew the budget due to casting on an island with endangered animals and on marketing. The camera cuts to Death the Kid, the marketing CEO, explaining how to make big bucks with Jennifer Lawrence. Man-in-a-Box complains that they were charged $59 million. Luffy promises him that they'll have the movie made in less than a week. The narrator wonders aloud if he's supposed to be narrating the show or the movie. After a moment of silence, he decides to do whatever. Later, the narrator explains that Man in a Box 2 never made it to shelves and the following is the only surviving footage from the behind-the-scenes extras. The footage starts off with Zoro explaining that the movie was a disaster from the start, with horrible acting and Nami's character being named "Ann Sook." Luffy comments that he feels bad for Usopp because no one cares about the editor. The camera briefly cuts to Usopp sobbing. Zoro comments that they did a good job with not alienating or offending anyone. Part of the movie is shown with Man-in-a-Box saying that the next scene has all the animals having AIDS. Luffy protests that it was a high-concept film. All Nami has to say is she's thankful she wasn't the editor. The camera briefly cuts again to Usopp sobbing. Back at the plot of the film, Man-in-a-Box tells them that for the final scene, Luffy opens up all the treasure chests on top of the giant rock. As the camera rolls, Luffy appears at the top of the rock holding a chest and asks Zoro what genre Man in a Box (the first one) was in. Zoro says it was a snuff film and Luffy simply sits down with the box. The rest of the open treasure chests are shown to have vibrating ****s inside and Luffy has a smile on his face. Several scenes are shown where the sound is oddly slowed down and metallic. After Luffy's face shatters, the crew departs the island with some upbeat music. The disclaimer rolls for about three minutes, eventually describing a fight between Funimation, Toei, and Eiichiro Oda.

Characters in order of appearance

• Luffy
• Zoro
• Nami
• Usopp
• Man-in-a-Box
• Death the Kid (Soul Whatever)

Opening theme

The theme of "Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon" plays over a repeated loop of Luffy running from the original opening. Poorly translated subtitles are shown throughout.

Episode 9: You WILL see some sh!t.

Long summary

The episode opens with Koshiro telling a young Zoro that he's still a grasshopper and that in order to become a mighty locus he must face many hardship. He then proceeds to stab himself and cut off the top part of his head with a sword. Zoro is later seen looking at the world while being in the army, which causes his eyes to bleed. Eventually, Zoro wakes up inside the ship while Johnny is attacking Luffy from outside. Zoro opens the door and sees Johnny, who asks where's Yusuke after reminiscing. Johnny states that Yusuke's on the ship and says they can say hi to him and then shouts at him (who's seen on a small ship with a stab wound) to show some respect. Yusuke weakly asks Zoro if he's there and Zoro claims that he is and asks what happened. Yusuke states that a week ago Johnny smoked twelve ounces of Peyote and then stabbed him, causing Johnny to yell at him to shut up and proceeds to stuff his junk inside Yusuke's mouth. Zoro tells Johnny to get off and asks him what he has been feeding Yusuke since he's turning blue. Johnny replies that he's been giving him testicle sandwiches for a week, which causes Zoro to shout at him for satiating Yusuke's nutritional values on nutsack. Johnny claims that his nuts are full of nutritional value, with Zoro replying in disgust. Over at the Baratie, Sanji is serving up two customers when one of the complains about his soup being cold. Sanji then states that he's pregnant with the customer's twin brother and then proceeds to drop a deuce on his soup, with a piece of it also falling on the customer's hand. Enraged, the customer asks Sanji where his manager is, but by the time Zeff is informed by one of his chefs, Sanji is seen holding the customer by the neck, who is bleeding and begging him to stop. Zeff comes out and tells Sanji to meet him in the kitchen in five minutes and apologizes to the beaten up customer, although he states that he should be happy as he now has some **** on his hands, which causes the customer to angrily asks what's wrong with the restaurant. In the kitchen, Zeff tells Sanji that he can't **** on the customers, although Sanji states that they badmouth their cuisine so its like they're ****ing all over them. Zeff points out that he put a fart salad on the menu and asks what it was, which leads to Sanji putting a detailed explanation on how to make one. Zeff asks Sanji if he remembers what he told him may years ago and Sanji claims that he does, which then flashes back to Zeff asking a kid Sanji where he slept last night. Sanji claims that he slept on Zeff's leg since it was cold outside, which horrifies Zeff as he feels Sanji's retardation spreading in his brain. Zeff asks Sanji which leg he slept on, but before Sanji can reply, he proceeds to saw off one of his leg. Sanji states that he slept on Zeff's left leg, causing Zeff to stop sawing his leg, but the deed has already been done as it revealed that he sawed off his right leg. Sanji is later serving Zoro, Nami, and Usopp as Luffy comes in and claims that they are unable to move Yusuke as Johnny would whip his nuts out everytime they tried. Just then, Gid walks in and states that it's once again the time of the year, which horrifies Zeff and Sanji as it's July 25th. Zoro asks what July 25th is and Sanji states that it's Second Christmas. Zoro asks what Second Christmas is and Sanji explains that it's the day Kris Kringle's brother, Don Kringle would get revenge from being banished from the North Pole, although Zoro claims that is should be called First Christmas as it comes before Christmas, which is on December 25th. Just then, Don Kringle arrives and demands everyone to put all their belongings in his bag, which leads to Zoro claiming that it should be called Reverse Christmas since Don is basically robbing them. After Zeff and Don argue a bit, Gid stops them and announces that they will settle their differences with a battle to the death against each sides strongest warriors and claims that they will leave them forever if they win, but will have two Second Christmases if they lose, much to Zoro's annoyance. Outside, Don chooses Anthony as his warrior while Zeff chooses Sanji to fight him. However, before the battle can start, Anthony displays his power, which causes a pillar to fall down and hit him on the head. Everyone suddenly stops in silence as a boat is seen approaching the Baratie. Luffy asks Zoro who the person is and Zoro replies that it's Jesus, who arrived to get vengence against Sanji for beefing in his salad during his last visit. Zoro challenges Jesus to a duel, who accepts and claims that he will dispatch Zoro faster than a cum fart on an airplane (which one does and causes Zoro to vomit). Jesus then asks Zoro about his day, but then strikes him, shattering both his swords. As Zoro scream in pain, Jesus bids him to have a good day and then leaves, causing Zoro to curse at him. Luffy then shouts he can't take it as everyone but him has injured someone and decides to take on Don Kringle. After failing to harm Luffy with a volley of arrows, Don attempts to protect himself with his Cloak of Second Christmas, but Luffy punches right through it and delivers a blow on Don's face, causing him to fall to the ground. After the battle, Zeff announces that he's proud of everyone as the Baratie's finally free of Second Christmas. He then decides to reveal his real identity to Sanji by shouting "Ho ho ho", but his eyes start bulging due to not saying "Ho ho ho" for years, which causes part of the Baratie to explode as Sanji tells everyone to run for cover. Jesus is later seen talking to Shanks, calming that he met Luffy and took a heaving **** on Zoro. Shanks responds by pouring Jesus a drink, which blows up and ends with Jesus looking at Shanks.

Characters in order of appearance

• Zoro
• Johnny (first appearance)
• Luffy
• Yusuke (first appearance)
• Sanji (first appearance)
• Zeff (first appearance)
• Usopp
• Nami
• Gid (first appearance)
• Don Kringle (first appearance)
• Anthony (first appearance)
• Jesus (first appearance)
• Shanks

Opening theme

A shortened version of the "Pirate Rap" is used. Johnny is heard screaming throughout the sequence.